Drink it up: Maude's

101 Southeast 2nd Place

Before I get too far into my thrashing of Maude's, I want to let you know that I like a few things here. I like their chocolate chip cookies (which are rumored to be straight out of a commercially purchased tube), their selection of hot teas in the wintertime, and their sweet potato quesadilla. I've also had a pretty solid b-b-q tempeh dish here in the past. But for me, there are many serious flaws that are hard to be overshadowed by a few positives.

First off, if I type "Maudes" into my iPhone, it auto corrects it to "Nausea." I can't think of a more apt commentary on their coffee and service. Maude's is yet another Gainesville institution (like Leonardo's and Boca Fiesta) that employs many of the dirty, borderline, if not flat out, unsanitary residents of our fine city. Ask most people around this town if they've had bad service at Maude's and you'll get 99 yes's out of 100 people asked. We used to have a friend who worked there and he told us the owners/management actually promoted this lackadaisical, "I don't give a fuck" attitude. Many times, I've ordered a particular drink only to have it come out completely wrong. Simple cappuccino's turn into hazelnut ice'd coffees with soy milk more frequently than not it seems.

Maude's is the first place I went for breakfast after a recent trip to Italy. I wanted to recreate that morning cafe feel with a cappuccino and a pastry. Instead, I got coffee with several large bubbles resembling dish water on top and a soggy blueberry muffin.

Another downside to me is the ambiance. The main room (the original room for those old enough to remember) is charming as hell, but the back room and seating area out in the Sun Center thoroughfare are both sterile and uncomfortable. I know they can't help the vibe of the out dated and out of fashion Sun Center, but they can surely spice up the back sitting room without too much effort.

Years ago, a friend had a T shirt that he made showing a pot of coffee being poured into a toilet. It said "Maude's Sucks! Don't go there (to Maude's)." I was so happy to see that I wasn't the only one. This person actually went to the trouble of making a T shirt to express their disdain for this place.

I'm all about supporting local over corporate, but with a Starbucks right across the street, I can't say I fault many downtown coffee seekers from heading into corporate assured quality levels.

So, do I like this place or not? It depends on what I'm looking for, I guess. All in all, they could really benefit from a few crucial changes.

Drink it up: Volta

48 Southwest 2nd Street (in the W 2nd St downtown parking garage)

Every now and then, a man (or woman) has a vision of greatness. "I need to serve the best coffee/sandwiches/bulgarian food this town has ever seen," he says to a few friends over drinks. Most of these individuals invest their time, money, and lives into opening their dream store only to see it rapidly fade into oblivion and overdue bills. Once in a while, however, greatness rises above all else. The market responds to the high quality and supports the business, helping it become a bastion of superiority. Such is Volta.

As it opened over 2 years ago, I said to my friends, "Yeah, that place will be gone in 5 months." Typically I'm pretty good at this game. I can tell what is going to tank and what has potential. I'm proud to say I was wrong with Volta. They easily serve the best coffees and chocolates in town. The owner clearly knows his stuff, and the store is always welcoming to its clientele.

I'm not a big coffee drinker, but I do know the difference between good coffee and great coffee. I certainly know what bad coffee is. During my travels in Spain and Italy, I felt as if I was in the pinnacle of coffee and molten chocolate culture. Italy's baristas weren't just college kids making a few bucks to help them through school. They were long since grown men who treated their jobs as professions. They worked with the coffee as if it was an art form. The delicacy of the microscopic bubbles in the steamed milk foam were ethereal and the richness of the beans made you slow your pace to savor each sip. Spain's molten chocolate drinks were ubiquitous, with a machine or two in every cafe. They contained chocolate so rich that one sip instantly made you weak at the knee.

After returning from both trips, I strongly craved these daily European staples here in Gainesville only to be greatly disappointed everywhere I went. Fortunately for me, I discovered Volta. I can't stress enough how goddamn good the coffee and chocolate drinks are here. The owner clearly cares about what he is serving and seeks out the highest quality for his customers. Furthermore, the portions are SMALLER than your average American coffee joint. I personally prefer this, as you only need so much caffeine in one serving. Naturally, as the flavor is so rich, the caffeine content is as well. This feature is yet another indicator of European roots, as a cappuccino in Italy will be exactly the same size, no matter where you go.The main impetus behind this blog was an unfortunate visit to Starbucks. For a corporation, Starbucks isn't the worst thing in the world. Plus, they really know how to do what they do. That being said, it's not always the greatest. Based solely on convenience, my wife and I hit up a Starbucks for two mochas the other day. They both literally tasted like hot, milky water that had cardboard soaking in it for a few hours. It was SO bad. Incensed, I drove straight to Volta and bought a cappuccino which kicked so much Starbuck ass that it wasn't even funny.

So if you're a coffee drinker, you should be going to Volta. If you love chocolatey drinks, you should be going to Volta. You won't find better in town.

Gyro Plus

1011 West University Avenue

2.5 Thumbs up (certain items are really good while others range from just so-so to disappointing. As long as you get the right thing, you'll be satisfied).

Price Range: Sandwiches are in the 4-6 dollar range

Menu Highlights: Veggie Gyro

Mediterranean food is sacred to me. It is a cuisine that has beauty in its simplicity, full flavor from few ingredients, and should always be fresh. Also, it should never be expensive. All of the best Mediterranean food I've had cost less than 10 dollars per person. Much like other cuisines that I revere (Thai, Italian), Gainesville lacks excellent Mediterranean food. The closest thing we have is Gyro Plus, which really isn't bad if you order the right thing.

Much like another of my conditional favorites, El Indio (conditional meaning that it's only good if you order the right thing), Gyro Plus is capable of some really good food. They actually make their own pita bread, which is quite tasty. They also make their own hummus, babaganoush, tzatziki (aka cucumber sauce), and pastries. Perhaps my favorite menu item is "One Banana" for 99 cents.

On my most recent visit, I ordered the Veggie Gyro, which didn't look all that impressive.It was mostly iceberg lettuce with a few tomatoes, pickles, onions, feta cheese, and cucumber sauce. In actuality, it was quite tasty and very satisfying.

The biggest dissuasion for me is the appearance of the place. It hovers on the borderline of kooky/misguided decor and abject squalor. It really isn't that bad, it's just odd. They used to have a store in the adjacent room that sold really weird middle eastern goods. It quickly closed, though, because no one wanted any canned clam juice, khlav khalash, or any of that other crap.

Many times, you'll be greeted by one of the gruff owners who will begrudgingly take your order and then hand you a small, weathered piece of wood with a number drawn on it in marker.He barks your order into a technologically obsolete microphone and you sit and wait. They serve up their food pretty quickly, and when it comes out, they'll repeatedly, with increasing levels of urgency, call your number until you show some sign of approaching the counter.

All in all, the food can be pretty good here. There are definitely a few items on the menu that will bum you out, but you can avoid them with some due care. The first thing that always lets me down is any dish with rice. The menu features several platters, which are typically delicious at your average place. Gyro Plus' rice, however, is always very old and dense. It's almost like one large, semi-gelatinous piece of rice cake. The other item that I've been disappointed with
is anything involving grape leaves. My family has made grape leaves since I was a little child. I know how they're supposed to taste. Gyro Plus' tend to follow the lead of the rice and are typically soggy and mushy (after all, rice is a key ingredient in grape leaves).

Overall, it's not a bad place to grab a quick bite. It's not the best Mediterranean restaurant in the world, but it might be the best one we have in town.

Buddha Belly: Enlighten your wallet, don't go here

25 Northwest 16th Avenue

Zero thumbs up

Price Range: a meal ranges from 6-12 bucks, depending on what you get

Today's plan didn't have me eating at Buddha Belly. As it is a Sunday in Gainesville, many comforts of civilized society are unavailable due to places being closed. I literally tried 3 other establishments before ending up here. I was right around the corner, had never eaten here before, and figured, hey why not?

Immediately upon entering, you're smacked in the face with a heavy aura of deep fried-ness. This is the type of place that you'll be smelling like for the rest of the day. The menu combined the expected (fried rice, curries) with the unexpected (hamburgers, french fries). I became wary at this odd juxtaposition, but soldiered on anyway. I ordered the tempeh fried rice ($7.50) while my brother ordered the chicken fried rice ($8.25). It took about 10 minutes to make, which was encouraging since they were obviously cooking it up fresh. Both bowls came out filled with heaping portions of brown rice, vegetables, and chunks of tempeh or white chicken meat. The vegetables looked and tasted like they came from a bag of predestined stir fry mix instead of being fresh, and the rice was dry. The tempeh was soggy and not appealing in any way.

I'll take this opportunity to make a brief voyage into the realm of Gainesville Tempeh. The main players are Jose and Artie. Rumor has it that Jose taught Artie everything he knew, only to have Artie turn on him and go into direct competition. I tend to prefer Jose's for its superior flavor and also based partly on my penchant for revenge. So, invariably, when I enjoy a tempeh dish, it's Jose's. When I'm not impressed, it's usually Artie. As you can guess, Buddha Belly uses Artie's.

Furthermore, tempeh needs to be prepared just right. It's typically better when thin and not in huge chunks. In my opinion, the two tastiest ways of preparation are heavily sauteed or deep fried. Buddha Belly seemed like they just warmed it up.

So, needless to say, the fried rice was bland and tasteless. I sought salvation through sauce. Noticing that they had two homemade looking squeeze bottles, I asked the girl who served us what they were. She replied, "I have no idea." She then asked the other girl behind the counter what they were to which she stated "Oh, they make those fresh." Naturally, I asked, well what are they? Are they hot? Are they sweet? Are they for stir fry? Are they for the burgers? Her answer: "I'm not sure. But they made those yesterday."

I tried the one labeled "MEL" which presumably stood for "Mellifluous Sauce." It was a nice sweet, yet slightly spicy sauce that definitely helped the rice out, but not by much. I ate till I was full and left. Literally 30 minutes later, my stomach started rumbling with hunger pangs.

I wish that one of us tried one of the curry dishes so I could authoritatively rule this place out, but alas, we didn't. The place's motto is "Enlighten Your Belly." I'd suggest "Enlighten your wallet." Don't eat here. It's not that good and it doesn't even fill you up for any amount of time.

A quick note to prove I'm not crazy

One of my recurring themes of this blog is commenting on people who have no business being in the restaurant business. A specific example of this is my critique of The Lunchbox. Here's my direct quote

The Lunchbox strikes me as yet another Gainesville establishment run by someone with no business in the kitchen. Maybe they make their goose fat fries for superbowl parties and their friends say "oh, you should totally open a restaurant, you're such a good cook."

Now I'd like to quote you a passage from Anthony Bourdain's Kitchen Confidential

To want to own a restaurant can be a strange and terrible affliction. What causes such a destructive urge in so many otherwise sensible people? The easy answer, of course, is ego. The classic example is the retired dentist who was always told he threw a great dinner party. "You should open a restaurant," his friends tell him. And our dentist believes them.

So, you see, I'm not crazy. Since this is Gainesville and not New York, replace "dentist" with "former food service employee." Our former waitress or line cook gets it in their head that they could be running this place. They should be running this place. They quit their old job and blow a small business loan on an exercise in futility.

Five Guys Burgers. Holy shit!

3310 SW 35 Blvd
(off of Archer Road across from Butler Plaza)


5 thumbs UP!

Menu Highlights: There ain't much to choose from (4 varieties of hamburger or hotdog and 3 veggie items), but the veggie cheese sandwich was phenomenal

Price range: My sandwich was 2.50! The burgers and hotdogs range from 3-5 dollars.

I typically don't review national chains in this food blog, but I found myself at Five Guys Burgers today upon the recommendation of a co-worker. She is a vegetarian and was raving about their non-meat based items. Naturally, I had to check this out for myself.

For all you political junkies out there, you'll remember Five Guys from Obama's early days in the whitehouse. His affinity for Five Guys made national news and I can see why. The place was jam packed with a line nearly out the door for the entire time I was there.

Initially, I was a bit disappointed that their only veg friendly items were the "veggie sandwich" and the "veggie cheese sandwich." (I don't remember the actual names, but they were purely descriptive and similar to what I've listed above). Undaunted, I got the veggie cheese sandwich with lettuce, tomato, grilled onions and mushrooms, pickles, ketchup, mustard, and mayo. I held by breath and waited.

What should arrive 7 minutes or so later but this dazzling beauty, wrapped up in a steaming hot piece of foil and surrounded by a nondescript paper bag.

Believe me, it tasted WAYYY better than it looked. The sandwich was so damn good that I didn't even miss the presence of ground beef. It was savory, melty, gooey, and with just enough grease to help it go down (that's what she said).

Despite it's tastiness, I wouldn't have minded getting a full out burger if I still ate beef. Before I went vegetarian, I had eaten my fair share of hamburgers. The main reason why I don't miss them is because they were never as good as my expectations made them out to be. I definitely wasn't impressed with fancy restaurant style burgers, as they were always too big to fit in your mouth (that's what she said). Furthermore, the "higher end" ground beef lacked a certain element of greasy fast food goodness. On the other hand, most fast food burgers were gross, bizarrely mass produced, and lacking any quality ingredients whatsoever.

Five Guys seems to get it right and here's why. Their burgers look and taste like burgers from an Archie comic. They mirror the idealized mental image we all have when we think "delicious hamburger." They're just perfect.

I wasn't so impressed by the fries, and if I return, I won't get them again.

Coincidentally, I bumped into my trainer who was also eating there, sparking us both to concede how unhealthy the place is. But you know what? Sometimes you gotta treat yourself. And if you're going to get a fast food burger, Five Guys is by far the best I've ever had.

Flour Pot Bakery : Mediocrity hot from the oven

13005 SW 1st Road Suite 137
Also available at Wards Supermarket and local Farmers' Markets

In my opinion, the Flour Pot Bakery is yet another Gainesville installment of "where do they get off thinking they can run a food service business?" I picture the owner baking her special ginger snaps for company holiday parties to half sincere responses of "ohh, these are sooo good, you should totally open a bakery," and doing just that. Places like Flour Pot are most likely run by people who quit the corporate work-a-day world to realize their dream of running a bakery or a bar or a yoga studio or a spice store or a knitting shop. In other words, they're not qualified in any way for their job. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe they did go to culinary school and pass with a C average, who knows. All I'm saying is that the baked goods here aren't good. They should be called "baked mediorcres."

Also, to continue our running theme; the name is a play on words. Now class, what have we learned this means? It means that the creativity of the food isn't enough to sell the place. It means it's not that good!

When you break it down, the real problem with Flour Pot is their lack of oomph, distinction, and flavor. The sweet items aren't sweet enough and the savory ones are hardly savory.

Here's some of what I've had and what I think about them:

-Oatmeal Raisin cookies: I love Oatmeal Raisin cookies. Wards sells freshly baked ones from the Flour Pot and I'm always suckered into buying at least 3. Having eaten so many of these over such a long period of time, I'm convinced that their recipe is eyeballed and not precise. The sweetness and seasoning (cinnamon, etc) are never the same. Most of the time, the cookies are not sweet enough and are kinda bland. On rare occasion, they pull them off just fine with the right amount of sugar. Also, the consistency varies significantly, with some days being firm and crispier and others being soft and doughy.

-Ginger Cookies: Ginger cookies are another tasty treat unless you're buying them from Flour Pot. They're thick and gooey, but not in a good way. They're also chock full of jellied ginger bits that don't really help. It might just be a textural thing, but I don't like biting into a big gooey chunk of something when I'm already eating a pretty soft, doughy cookie.

-Rosemary Bread: While this item smells great, it's very timidly flavored. If you want to taste how savory rosemary bread can be, go to Uppercrust and skip right over Flour Pot. It's almost as if they have never tasted their own bread to realize the flavors aren't strong enough.

-Quiche Provençale: I went to their actual location one day for breakfast and had the quiche. Now, I'm not sure about the whole real men don't eat quiche thing, but they surely shouldn't eat bad quiche. It was baked some time ago and tasted like it had been sitting out for quite a while. It wasn't very flavorful (big surprise!) and was quite dense.

-Pumpkin "empanada": This was clearly intended as a dessert. The dough was croissant dough covered in thick sugar crystals. The inside was supposed to be like pumpkin pie filling, but it wasn't very sweet. It was also kinda sour, but not intentionally, which was a bizarre juxtaposition with the very rich dough. A very odd concoction.

Just to prove that I'm not crazy, I pulled the above photo from someone's blog. They were actually commenting on how their croissants look better than Flour Pot's.

All in all, this bakery is no good. It's a waste of dough. Go get your fresh, locally baked bread from Uppercrust and forget about Flour Pot.