Daytripper: Miami Beach

I know what you're thinking. Eric, Miami Beach is just a hotbed for dance clubs with 40 dollar covers, big latin dudes cruising Washington Ave in Ferraris, and women who are in such a different league that they're not even playing the same sport as you. Well, let me emphatically jump in and say that you couldn't be more wrong! In fact, I will personally accompany you on the following proposed tour if need be.

First, though, the history lesson.

One of the biggest allures about Miami Beach (I will never be caught saying "South Beach") for me is the amazing history it has enjoyed. In the 20's, the city experienced its first boom with millions of northerners pouring down south along Flagler's railroad. The hot spots were Ocean Drive and Lincoln Road. The depression and a series of terrible hurricanes hit Miami hard, leaving it in a sad state of affairs.

Post World War II saw a second resurgence in popularity as the "North Beach" was developed. This boom featured the emergence of famous resorts such as the Fontaienbleau and the Eden Roc. These were much farther north than Ocean and Lincoln, and featured all encompassing entertainment (shops, restaurants, clubs, casinos, etc). It became the southern haven for famous performers such as Frank Sinatra. The new group of tourists had no need to travel farther south to the old part of town and most of it lay derelict and forgotten for years.



In 1960, famous Miami architect, Morris Lapidus was hired to revamp Lincoln road. He created the fountains, sculptures, amphitheater, and pedestrian street mall we see today. As a result, splendor and success returned to "south beach." Over time, however, it became more of a retirement home and the young tourist crowd stopped paying attention. The city was devolving into a sorry, neglected state of affairs until the 1980's when a revolution came. Contrary to popular belief, the revolution was televised, and it was called Miami Vice. Money started pouring back into the city. Through the hard efforts of a few locals, the amazing Miami Modern (MiMo) architecture began to be preserved and celebrated. Neon sign dealers became millionaires, and the city began it's most recent comeback. As the 80s and 90s progressed, more and more work went into the city. The preservation efforts attracted international attention and the city turned back into the world's playground.


I owe my love of Miami Beach to my old friend Phil. After graduating from UM, he returned for business and was staying on the beach. Through some research in the Miami New Times, he discovered several hidden gems, all of which would become regular players in our nighttime adventures.

First up, start your night at The Abbey Brewing Company

1115 16th Street

Adorned with a lone green neon sign simply stating "Bar," the Abbey defines "off the beaten path." Housed in a small strip mall that at its peak co-hosted a small grocery and a TV repair shop, the Abbey is easy to pass by. Far far from the chaos of Ocean Drive and Washington Ave, the Abbey is the type of place that friends of friends go to. Knowing about it immediately affects the value of your character when meeting another regular. They serve 4 of their own home brews along with a respectable selection of craft and micro brews from around the world. They never stoop to the level of catering to a mass appeal crowd and you won't find any bottles of Anheuser Busch products here. In fact, the cheapest thing I've ever seen there is Honey Brown. The beers are definitely priced for Miami 6-10 dollars on average, but the place is worth it alone for the atmosphere. It's small and dark yet cozy and warm all at the same time. They always have good music playing and you can catch any relevant Miami sporting event on their two TV's. It's the perfect place to start your night because there is almost always parking on Alton between 16th and 15th.


From the Abbey, head one block north to Lincoln Road, my favorite night spot in Dade County. Walk several blocks east as you people watch until you end up at the classy Van Dyke Cafe : 846 Lincoln Road

Downstairs is a restaurant that shares a menu with the News Cafe (another Miami staple), but upstairs is where the magic is.

Clubs like the Van Dyke are a fading artform. What it houses is so fragile in fact that it's actually dying as we speak. For years, it housed the finest live jazz in Dade county in one of the sexiest rooms around. You could order a Mojito (made the old fashioned way) and sit in a dimly lit corner, taking in the jazz while periodically engaging in philosophical conversations with your drinking mates. Every single night of the week would feature jazz of some form, yet currently they have been booking more mass appeal acts. This brings a tear to my eye, as one of the most authentic things on the beach is slowly giving way to mass appeal. Be sure to check it out while you still can (scope out the calendar before you go to make sure you're not going to be watching a Steely Dan cover band).

After a few Mojitos, head downstairs and 2 blocks down to Zeke's Roadhouse : 625 Lincoln Road

Zeke's is another magical place that only friends of friends know. It's housed in an unassuming portion of Lincoln Road and would easily pass of as just another bar if it weren't for the menu of 100 beers that ALL COST 4 DOLLARS! You can't buy some of these beers for 4 dollars in Gainesville and here we are in Miami Beach, the capital of overpriced drinks. There really is no bargain better than Zeke's on the beach. You can literally get the same microbrews that the Abbey has for half the price. I don't know how they stay in business, nor do I care.

Finally, after all that alcohol, you'll need something to eat. Look no further than Pizza Rustica, the best pizza in Miami Beach.
605 Lincoln Rd (there are two other locations on Washington Ave, but since this one opened up, I haven't had any need to head to them)

A "slice" will run you about 4 bucks and it is HUGE. They serve you a rectangle cut into 6 smaller pieces. They typically feature at least 15 different pies with some of the most unusual topping combinations. My favorite is the three mushroom and when I ate meat, the Hawaiian. You really can't find better food at a better price in the whole city.

All in all, I've grown to love Miami Beach for the well kept secrets, the places the regulars go to. When you walk in, you know you'll be greeted with a nod of approval and for good reason. If you look hard enough, sometimes you find quality hidden amidst a bunch of superficial crap. And so it is with Miami Beach.

Big Lou's: Big Hit or Miss

Big Lou's
5 SE 2nd Avenue

2.5 thumbs up OR zero thumbs up.

Menu Highlights: the pizza can be pretty good. So can the chicken parm sub or eggplant parm sub

Price Range : a meal for one is going to cost about 8 bucks. They have several specials which combine slices, sodas, and salads.

Big Lou's is a mystery to me. It's the first bi-polar pizza joint I've ever been to. Some days, the pizza will be pretty darn good and on others, it will be really bad. The same goes with the rest of the items on the menu. The dishes can range from totally tasty to indigestion inducing items of ineptitude.

The only explanation I can think of is the sauce. They either make it on a schedule that invariably results in you getting varying degrees of freshness or their recipe isn't precise, resulting in unpredictably varying levels of spices.

It is somehow a bastion of the courthouse lunch crowd, and people seem to enjoy the food beyond mere convenience. I honestly don't understand why no one else realizes how variable the food is.

I've ordered the eggplant parm sub on several occasions and have either marveled at its crispy bread and tasty texture or left with indigestion worthy of a Tums commercial. I just don't get it. Maybe the chef is manic depressive and his affliction manifests itself through his food. Who knows.

All in all, Big Lou's can be a pretty good place to eat, but don't bet on it.

Tim's Thai : The worst restaurant in the world

Tim’s Thai
501 Northwest 23rd Avenue

5 thumbs DOWN.

Menu Highlights: none

Price Range : who cares, don't eat here.

Tim's Thai established the negative portion of my thumbs system. I ate here when our kitchen was being remodeled last October because I wanted to give it another shot. I had tried it years ago and found it creepy, gross, extremely slow, and overly frightening. I thought, it couldn't have been that bad, could it?

Yes, it could.

This is one of the many restaurants in town which most people seem to love, yet I can't understand this for one second, as it's the creepiest, most uncomfortable restaurant I've ever been in. There is clearly only one person doing the cooking, and a sign greets you at the door preparing you for a long wait (UP TO TWO HOURS ON BUSY NIGHTS, it says).

We were the only table in the whole place and it still took an hour to receive a dish of cashew sauce with tofu and vegetables. The sauce was very watery and had little to no flavor. The vegetables all looked and tasted like they were stewing in some watery soup for days before being placed on the plate. Even the rice wasn't good. The cashews tasted like they were burned, but not by flame or wok. It almost tasted like they were laying out on top of a hot appliance and were slowly and unnaturally roasted. The tofu tasted sour and looked off color. When the waiter asked us how everything was, it took all of my strength to say "fine, thank you."

I've tried other dishes here as well and they all suck. I just don't understand how a place can stay in business when it's so blatantly terrible. I will NEVER eat here again and encourage you to do the same.

Liquid Ginger

(Ginger Eggplant)
Liquid Ginger
Ste. 118
101 Southeast 2nd Place
(in the southeast corner of the Sun Center)

2.5 thumbs up (Pretty Good. It does the job. Eat here only when you're in the area and can't think of anywhere else. Eat here rarely.)

Menu Highlights: Garlic Eggplant, Crispy Lime Tilapia

Price Range: High teens for entrees

Liquid Ginger is housed in the old Gainesville Sun offices, and to be honest, it looks exactly like what you'd expect if someone opened a restaurant where a newspaper used to operate. It looks like they tried to make a nice restaurant, but were unable to erase the stains of gnawed cigar butts and the scent of a hot lead from the walls.

The basic concept here is the Bento Box, a square, divisioned plate that segregates many little foodstuffs from each other. There will be rice and the entree, but also a small salad, an unexpectedly pickled vegetable, and something featuring wakame, tamari, sesame, etc.

Face it, America, we love Japanese bullshit. They love our crap too, so it's really a symbiotic relationship when it comes down to it. Some restaurateur figured out that we Americans would pay good money to eat compartmentalized, tiny portioned, mildly desirable items, and sold the item around the country.

So, let's get down to it. Liquid Ginger is pretty decent. It's nothing amazing, but will suffice in a pinch. You'll never get out of there in under an hour, whether you have 2 people or 20 people. I'm not sure if it takes that much time to assemble the food into the tiny portions or if they're just ridiculously slow. Either way, settle in for a long night. All meals come with a salad, soup, and ice cream (vanilla, red bean, or green tea flavors). As with any pan-asian joint, it's not terribly authentic, but certain items are worth eating (see above).

One big surprise is how flavorless and bland the Liquid Ginger entree is. Naming your place after the most uninspired item on your menu is never really a good tactic, but then again, we are in Gainesville.

So, all in all, it's OK. Check it out if you're in the mood for a stir fry dish. They also have a vast selection of teas that I highly recommend.

Downtown Duds: Emilianos

Emiliano's
7 Southeast 1st Avenue


No thumbs up

Price Range: 15-20 dollars per meal


Emilianos is about as authentic a Latin restaurant as Olive Garden is fine Italian Bistro. It is locally owned and run and not a chain, but still, it's not very good. The first time I ever ate there, the waitress actually said "arroz con poLLo" with a L instead of a Y sound.

I think I will use Emiliano's to embark on a greater trend in Gainesville Restaurants. I call it "Gainesville Gourmet." My brother calls it "Faux Fancy." And future contributor to this site, Danny, simply calls it "Mediocre."

I think Danny really nailed it with his one word description, but I'd like to elaborate. This town abounds with restaurants that operate under the guise of being gourmet. They appear to be fancy. But when it comes down to it, they've got nothing to back it up in terms of quality. They're big budget movies with no script. Emiliano's is "Last Action Hero," starring Arnold Schwarzenegger.

I've eaten here as a carnivore and a vegetarian and can say that their meat dishes are no better than Flaco's and surely aren't worth the extra cost. Furthermore, their tapas are boring and uninspired.

The meal pictured above is the corn cake napoleon. It's described as "venezuelan style corn griddle cakes layered with roasted marinated portobello mushroom, manchego cheese, roasted tomatoes, caramelized onions, black bean-corn salsa, topped with corn tortilla straws, garnished with roasted red pepper coulis and parsley-garlic coulis." Overall, it's not that good. Which brings me to the next important aspect of Gainesville Gourmet: nothing is simple. It's all overly complex. Read the ingredients of the dish above again. Do you think you'd get that kind of fluff if you actually ordered this in Venezuela? Would you be presented with two coulis-es? Absolutely not!

Rather than go for authenticity, Emiliano's (like so many other places in town) goes for a fusion. They call themselves pan-latin cuisine, which means the chef doesn't know how to do any single style good enough to pull it off. He therefore must disguise and bastardize the flavors into a hodgepodge of conflicting spices and flavors.

Maybe it's because I grew up in Miami that I feel this place is so inadequate. When you eat Latin food cooked by real Latins, tradition and simplicity reign supreme. Don't mess with perfection and you'll be sure to produce tasty food.

I don't know. It's just plain mediocre.

Reggae Shack

Reggae Shack
619 West University Avenue



5 thumbs up!

Menu Highlights: Jerk Tofu Sandwich

Price Range: Soda and the sandwich with fries was 12 bucks.

Wow. I have to say. I've been remiss in my duties to local Caribbean cuisine. After trying Caribbean Queen (tiny shack east of 6th st on N 5th ave) and Caribbean Spice (nearly vacant storefront closer to campus on University that only sells Jamaican patties), I pretty much gave up on the West Indies for my lunch inspiration. Well, one of the added benefits of doing this blog is an increased sense of experimentation and adventure when I get hungry. Never been somewhere before? Sure! Let's do it!

And so it was with Reggae Shack. My wife has an aversion to this place, as she got violently ill right after eating there. She believes it was coincidental and not causal and doesn't blame the Shack. She just developed an aversion, and thus I stayed away as my eating partner did.

Today, forced with the prospects of lunch alone, I decided to jam it with Reggae Shack. I immediately decided on the Jerk Tofu sandwich with sweet plantains, lettuce, tomato, onion, mustard, ketchup, and vegannaise. It came with french fries that were dusted in season salt and SUGAR! Those Irie Jamaicans!

The jerk tofu was richly seasoned, as any jerk should be. The condiments mixed nicely with the sweet plantain to form a delicious layer of multiflavored/multicolored mush.

I have to say, it was a sumptuous feast! I was blissfully surprised as I thoroughly loved it. To wash it all down, I ordered a Ting (as in, Don't you worry bout a...), which is a Jamaican grapefruit soda. I love grapefruit sodas, and Ting didn't disappoint. It was actually made with real juice and sugar, so it had an extra bonus.


I can't wait to go back. Hopefully future visits will be as delicious.

Daytripper: St. Augustine

If you're like me, sometimes you need to get out of this god forsaken hellhole known as Gainesville in the summer. There's no ocean, no beach, no stroll down the street in flip flops and a bathing suit while drinking alcoholic beverages in the middle of the day kind of place.

Enter St. Augustine.

I mostly head east for the beautiful beach, but with a 3 hour round trip, I figure I may as well make a full half day out of my adventures. This inevitably leads me to historic downtown St. Augustine.

St. Augustine tows the line between tourist trap and charming old town in an all too dangerous way. With the slightest miscalculation, you can find yourself in a Ripley's Believe it or Not, Wax Museum, Ghost Tour, or mildly obscene t shirt shop. Yet at the same time, you might explore wonders as Flagler College (which is housed in the magnificently preserved late 1800's Hotel built by Henry Flagler: pictured above), the Lightner Museum (housed right across the street in the equally historic Hotel Alcazar and featuring amazing relics such as the orchestrion and other giant music boxes)

or the quiet, charming back streets a few blocks off the main tourist drag. This is where the treasures are hidden.

So to boil it all down, here is my advice for a day trip to St. Augustine:

Go to the Beach! My favorite is Anastasia State Park. It's phenomenally beautiful and has a little hut to grab forgotten sunblock, little snacks and drinks, or rent a boogie board. For me, peak beach hours are any time until noon, and then from 4 till sunset. Wear sunblock people! It costs 8 dollars to get into the park, but I think it's worth it. You can also continue down A1A (BEACHFRONT AVENUE!) to other beaches with metered parking lots.

Visit the Alligator Farm! I know it sounds intimidating, but this is a wonderful reptile zoo just across the bridge on the way to the beach. Be sure to go during late spring when all the birds have donned their mating plumage and the babies are just hatching. Bring a camera with a telephoto lens.

Visit the Castillo de San Marcos. It's a National Monument (one of only two in Florida!).

Visit the old Drugstore (31 Orange St). Usually, I'm a big opponent of these touristy crap things, but this one is totally free. It's also connected to one of the few parking lots that usually has open spaces. The reason I like it is because they have an amazing display of old tinctures, liniments, ointments, and other old timey panaceas that were probably sold off the back of a wagon.

And now, the food!
Go eat at Kozmic Bluz Pizza (48 Spanish Street). I know the name is stupid, but the pizza is really good. It's perfect after a long day at the beach. They also have a nice selection of micro-brews.


For dessert, check out the brand new Hyppo Gourmet Popsicles (15 Hypolita Street).
The guy who runs it just graduated from UF and came to St. Augustine with a dream of frozen refreshment. He makes all the popsicles from scratch right on site. They're all phenomenal and a truly original idea. I am all for supporting business visionaries such as the crew at The Hyppo. So far, we've tried Chocolate/Banana, Cantaloupe, Honeydew, Coconut, Blueberry Cinnamon, and Pineapple. They have many more flavors, so be sure to get at least two.


Before the summer is over and all of our beaches are covered in tar, be sure to get over to St. Augustine a few times. It's a trip well worth your time.

Chinese Take out Fried Rice

In late 2008, I went on a mission to find the best Chinese take out fried rice in Gainesville. Much like Morgan Spurlock, however, I was forced to quit before I could finish, only trying out 4 places. The reason for this was the amount of sodium I was ingesting was creating a salinity level in my body that could only be rivaled by the Black Sea. Visiting all of these restaurants also made it clearly apparent that you can buy a "Chinese take out restaurant starter kit" presumably from a company in Passaic, NJ. There is no authenticity, it seems.

Why fried rice? Well, I feel that fried rice is a good litmus test of a place's skill. You can't really mess it up and you'll only have breathtaking fried rice once or twice in your life. It's really a status quo dish. That being said, there is a big difference between mediocre fried rice and great fried rice.

So, I'm going to try and rate them on a scale from 1-10 and give a little insight into what is included in the dish, good flavors, bad flavors, unexpected twists, and so on.

China Star
3307 W University Ave: Next to the Publix on 34th and University

Rating: 5.5

Diagnosis: Not bad, not great. It is just above average, but that is mostly because it's malleable. I added my own touch of sriracha and a dash of soy sauce to liven it up and it was quite good in this manner. On it's own, it was pretty plain. There were onion, carrot, and pea bits in it as well as tiny strips of what appeared to be white meat chicken. I didn't notice any egg or much soy sauce flavoring. I believe they used yellow rice instead of white rice, so that affected the color without adding any flavor.

China 88
On the southeast corner of nw 43rd st and nw 16th ave.

Rating: 6.75

Appraisal: I've seen China 88 many times as my cousins used to run a catering business right next door. Perhaps it was my typical aversion to chinese food or the fact that I was constantly looking in China 88's back door that I stayed away, but science knows not the meaning of the word fear.

One large chicken fried rice please!

I got my little take out box home and opened that sucker up. It smelled pretty good on the ride home, however, I think a large part of the smell was the fortune cookie being warmed up.

So, as with China Star, they used yellow rice. There was no egg and the goodies included only a few carrots and onions, no peas. The chicken was in substantial cubes of white meat. Overall, the dish had a nice smoky/seasoned taste, as if it was cooked in a nicely seasoned wok which imparted its flavor characteristics to the rice. It was still on the blandish side, but a squirt of spicy mustard cured that ailment right away.

I'd say it was definitely better than China Star's, and the substantial pieces of chicken earned them another .5, so a total of 6.75 points for China 88's fried rice.

(side note: i've had a few other dishes here and while none of them have been amazing, it's clearly one of the better take out chinese places in town with the nicest ingredients and freshest appearance)

Hot Wok Chinese Takeout
3006 NW 13th St
Gainesville, FL 32609

Rating: 2.0 out of 10

The analysis:
I've been excited to try Hot Wok for no reason other than my friend Shaun took a picture in front of it after his graduation. It must be great, I reasoned, b/c Shaun is awesome and his graduation was a big event. I've also been eager to expand on my search. So, today found me in mid-north Gainesville at lunchtime, and as the fates would have it, at Hot Wok Chinese Take Out.

The rice was the yellowest of them all so far. The extra bits were just peas and carrots, no onions, no egg, and the chicken was in small cubes, similar to China 88, but with much more "mystery meat" flair. Some pieces were discolored and others were tougher to eat. I'd say this was more of a box of Arroz con Pollo and much less Chinese Fried Rice. Nothing about it made it taste chinese. There was little-no seasoning, and it was so yellow that it resembled a Chinese take on a favorite Cuban dish.

The shop still had Valentine's decorations up (most likely from a previous year, as they were a bit faded), and had a few American specials, such as French Fires. I was wondering what French Fires would taste like and if they were at all dangerous. Since my shirt was flammable, I decided to stay away this go around.

Overall, it was very disappointing. I immediately got a headache after eating there, so the MSG potential was high.

At least I now know that there will be some scores below average.

China 1
3720 NW 13th St
Gainesville, FL 32609
352.374.8886

Rating: 2.5 out of 10.

The verdict: Nasty. Plain. Scary. Well, it wasn't that bad, but it really wasn't good. Yellow rice was again the medium, onions, carrots, peas and chunks of dark meat were the bittys. Again, no egg.

I gotta say, it was the most tasteless dish I've ever had, and I'm not talking about Sarah Silverman.

So, the consensus is after trying 4 different places in town: local take out chinese fried rice sucks. Don't eat it.

Civilization

Civilization:
1511 Northwest 2nd Street
1.5 thumbs up

Menu Highlights: The strawberry spinach poppy seed salad is delicious.

Price Range: Dinner and a drink is going to cost you about 20 bucks each.

How many times do you have to try a place before you give up on it? With Civilization, I've given it 4 shots. I've tried something very different each time, and am still wondering why it's supposed to be good. It is housed in the old Second Street Bakery building, which is a work of art in and of itself. I would want nothing more for this world than a wonderful restaurant to occupy this space.

Their website boasts a team with over 50 years of combined restaurant experience. Well, think about it this way. BP has well over 50 years of oil industry experience. Now I'm not saying that Civilization is the greatest natural disaster this country has ever seen, I'm just saying that experience isn't a substitute for quality, skill, etc.

I know this review is starting off a bit harsh, but let me try to ease up a bit. They have a great beer menu. In fact, I'd say it's one of my favorites. It's very small (less than 10), but it has some real gem's. I like this because it doesn't overload me with choices. Also, they have a delicious strawberry and spinach salad with poppy seed dressing. I've also heard that their lunches are great. Beyond that, I really haven't had anything worth noting.

Here's what I have had:
Pumpkin Lasagna: This was my introduction to Civilization. Sounds delicious, right? Wrong. It was literally flavorless. Since a good friend who already thinks I'm way too picky brought us here and recommended this particular dish, I was really on my best behavior and didn't complain at all. About half way through, he actually asked me if I thought it tasted like dirt. I was so happy! Sometimes I think I'm so critical that I might just be insane. When people vindicate my judgment, it makes me feel so much better.

Portabello Stroganoff: OK, let's get one thing straight. Mushroom Stroganoff shouldn't be on a menu at a nice restaurant. It's something that your midwestern aunt makes for dinner and it is to have no seasoning besides salt. Furthermore, it's a heavy dish, and not one that should appear in the summer time (Civilization also touts a seasonal menu). It featured broad noodles and big pieces of mushrooms. Much like Aunt Flo from Michigan's recipe, it was rather bland, very heavy and hardly gourmet.

Old Florida Sampler: Collard Greens, Black Eyed Peas and rice, a corn fritter, and sweet potato casserole come together on a plate to represent the sunshine state. I'm honestly not sure why these dishes are particularly Floridian (beyond being Southern), but it's just so so. The black eyed peas and rice and collard greens are pretty standard (not much you can do to them) and the corn fritter adds a nice little insult to your arteries. Now the real buzz kill for me was the sweet potato casserole. I don't know about you, but in my family, sweet potato casserole is basically a dessert. It's sweet. Civilization added sauteed onions and other stew-esque elements to this, rendering it inedible for me. (Imagine if someone gave you a slice of pumpkin pie with anchovies on it).


Chicken Cacciatore: This was actually the only item I got here that was good. It still wasn't great, but it was pretty good. They get their chicken from a farm in Georgia that utilizes ethical practices and environmentally sustainable choices. I'm OK with eating chicken from a place like that, so I splurged. I often wonder if my negative reactions are based on my avoidance of meat dishes, so I figured I'd test it out. The chicken melted off the bone, as it should in a Cacciatore, and it came with a roasted zucchini that was mighty nice. Overall, it was a pretty decent meal, but nothing to write home about.

I'd love to love this place, but alas, I don't. If they get it together, I'll be a big supporter, but for now, it's too mediocre and the service is actually quite slow. Most of the dishes seem to be based on a pre-made item (see all 4 above), yet it still takes quite some time to get your meal, even when they're not busy.

Unfortunately, all civilizations must fall, and for our friends at Civilization, I think it's only a matter of time.

The Future!

I've been discussing the blog with a close friend/carnivore and he expressed interest in joining the team (which is just me and my computer right now) and helping with general reviews and more specifically meat based reviews. So, stay tuned for that!

Phil Nick's

George's at Phil-Nicks
37 N Main St
Gainesville, FL 32601

Rating: Three thumbs up

Price Range: Lunch should cost you from 5-10 bucks.

Menu Highlights: They have a daily cafeteria style presentation, so it varies. George is known for his ribs. I had a cheese sandwich that was really tasty.

How a place can exist right under out noses and never be tried is beyond me. George's at Phil-Nicks is right across the street from The Top and next to The Atlantic (both of which are frequented regularly by my circle of friends), yet I've never met one person who has eaten there. Their window claims in an understated manner that it's "a good place to eat," yet I would have no way of knowing. All that changed today, however, as I ventured inside to reveal its secrets to you!

First off, a little history lesson: Phil and Nick were Italian and Greek (respectively) dudes who opened a restaurant ages ago. They sold it to George in 2004 and he runs it to this day. George is apparently mad enough to have the lofty goal of specializing in Soul, Greek, Italian, Cuban, and American food.

One step inside the door and you're immediately transported to the 1950s.

The kindly older woman behind the counter was even wearing a hair net! Their menu has fixed items, but also features a daily selection of freshly prepared hot dishes served cafeteria style.


They did have vegetables and rice, but I was more in the mood for a lunch item, so I tried the bare bones basic option, the cheese sandwich.

The choices for bread were plain old yet timeless white and wheat. I got wheat, toasted, with all three cheeses (provolone, cheddar, and swiss), tomato, lettuce, pickle, and mayo. I was expecting it to be decent, but nothing spectacular. How wrong I was, as this little simple gem came out chock full of deliciousness. I'm not sure what kind of cheeses they used, but they had some sharpness and flavor that exceeded my expectations.

I honestly had a really good time eating here all by myself in a completely different era. I only wish they had a soda fountain to complete the mood.

I'll definitely go back!

Comfort Food. Mom's in the kitchen.

(Quorn cutlets with a mango, tomato, avocado, red onion, jalapeno, Modena balsamic and Ligurian olive oil salsa; Kale sauteed in coconut oil with cashews and raisins; red and white quinoa; and baked acorn squash)

I'm a big Anthony Bourdain fan and one of his constant themes is people being instinctively driven to comfort food. He doesn't mean what we as Americans might define it as (fried, fatty, gravy laden foods), but rather the dishes that our mothers cooked for us. Something about tradition and the home kitchen drives every culture in their daily quest for food.

Now, don't get me wrong, I like reviewing these restaurants around town, but really only eat out a few times a week. I try to cook dinner at home 5 nights a week and breakfast every day. Lunch is about half and half, but overall, I try to focus on knowing exactly what goes into my meals.

I bring this point up tonight because I cooked a delicious meal at home with my wonderful mother and equally wonderful wife. Unfortunately, due to some recently discovered food allergies, my Mom can't eat anything. No tomatoes, no avocados, no sugar, no bread, no pasta, no watermelon, no peppers, nothing traditionally found in our kitchens. I know it's been really hard for her to adapt to her new restrictions, but she's done it much like everything else in her life: with a strong commitment, impressive bravery, and an unwillingness to be defeated.

For the past few nights, we've eaten out or at home with her having to choose nearly flavorless dishes while the rest of us enjoy all the old favorites. It must be hard to watch a show on the food channel or just look at a menu in a tasty restaurant knowing you can't have anything of those wonderful things.

Tonight, we decided to create a meal around her food restrictions and tried to make it as flavorful as possible. You can see from the picture above that we succeeded wildly. She wasn't able to eat my mango salsa, but the other dishes were exceptionally good and we thoroughly enjoyed them all. A surprising byproduct is my realization that you can make a tasty dish without garlic, olive oil, or pepper (the holy trinity in my opinion). Here are the recipes from what we prepared.

1. Mango Salsa: finely dice a ripe mango, a ripe tomato, a ripe avocado, a red onion, and a jalapeno (de-seeded). Put all contents into a large bowl. Add a touch (1/2 tbsp) Modena Balsamic Vinegar (Modena balsamic is thicker and sweeter than traditional balsamic vinegar) and olive oil. Mix together in the bowl and let sit in the fridge for 30 minutes

2. Quorn cutlets: If you don't eat meat, try these things out! They're pretty damn good. Made from egg whites and micoprotein, they replace soy based options with a flourish. To prepare any number of them, microwave them for HALF the recommended time. Lightly coat the bottom of a pan with olive oil and heat at medium high heat. Brown/crisp the bottom and top in the oil.

3. Acorn squash: Buy a whole acorn squash and cut it in half. Microwave it for 10 minutes. Add a bit of olive oil to the "bowls" of each half and bake in the oven at 400 degrees for 20 minutes. Check to make sure it doesn't burn. Add light salt and enjoy!

4. Quinoa: 2 to 1 parts water to quinoa. Rinse quinoa thoroughly in a small strainer or by running fresh water over the quinoa in a pot. Drain. Put quinoa and water in 1 1/2 qt. saucepan; bring to boil. Reduce heat to simmer; cover and cook until all water is absorbed (10-15 minutes). When done, the grain appears translucent and the germ ring will be visible.

5. Kale: bring 4 tbsp of coconut oil to medium heat. Add cashews and brown them lightly. Add 4 large handfuls of kale to the oil and stir. Keep stirring as the kale should shrink significantly. Once you've sauteed the kale for about 5 solid minutes, remove from head and add as many raisins as you want. Add a touch of salt.

Cook it up!

On the thumb system

People have been asking me to explain my thumb system, so I figured I should probably do that. What is a zero? Why negative? Well, I think that a 0-5 scale (or a 1-5 scale like Yelp has) isn't informative enough. So, let's see the method behind my madness.


5 thumbs up : Excellent! Love it! Eat here multiple times a week!
4 thumbs up : Very Good! Not quite perfect. Eat here one-two times a month.
3 thumbs up : Good. It does the job and nothing to really complain about. Eat here only when you're in the area and can't think of anywhere else.
2 thumbs up : Not bad. I would think about trying somewhere else first if I had the choice. Eat here rarely.
1 thumb up : Meh. It's calories. I would definitely try to eat somewhere else if I had a choice.
0 thumbs up : Not worth my time. They're not even trying.
(skip 1-4 thumbs down, because at this point, who really cares?)
5 thumbs down : Terrible

So there you have it!

Satchel's. You knew it was coming

Satchel's Pizza
www.satchelspizza.com
1800 Northeast 23rd Avenue
Gainesville, FL 32609

2.5 thumbs up

Menu Highlights: The salads are pretty awesome.

Price Range: Lunch Special is 6.50. It includes a small salad and one slice with one topping. It's a pretty good deal. The whole pies cost 16.50 for a large and toppings are 50 cents each. The toppings list is pretty extensive, check the website.

For any of you who know me personally, you've probably been awaiting this review with baited breath. What is he gonna say? I know he doesn't like their pizza. Is he going to trash Satch? Well, no, I'm not. Not really.

Let's get one thing straight. Satchel's is an AWESOME place. When I have kids, I picture taking them there for their birthdays. Check out this video just to get an idea of what they've done with the place. http://satchelspizza.com/satchels_2003.html

Satchel is clearly a madman. Now, I don't mean "madman" in the kidnap you or performing weddings for household animals kinda way. He's just the type of person who needs a constant outlet for his relentless creative energy. One of my favorite aspects of the place is how most if not all of his "art" is created from recycled objects (bike tires, cell phones, tin cans, reflectors, plastic jugs, bottle caps, etc).

Also, you have to give the man credit for creating a successful business on east 23rd avenue across from a redneck dive bar called the Ole' Barn. He also runs his business in a very progressive manner, paying his employees a living wage and providing health benefits.

The Lightning Salvage Junk Shop/Bar/Venue is certainly one of the most charming spaces I've ever been in and constitutes a work of art in and of itself. If you catch yourself there on a fine crisp autumn evening, you can grab some delicious beers or Mexican Sodas while listening to some live music in the fresh air.



Now let's get down to the food. Satchel's makes one of the best salads around. It has all the goodies of a typical garden salad but with apples and romano cheese. They top it all off with their secret, homemade vinaigrette which is quite delicious.

And here it comes: I'm not a fan of their pizza. In fact, I'd be hesitant to call it pizza other than it resembles pizza. I'm a pretty strict traditionalist when it comes to a pizza pie. I like the old school new york style and I don't really enjoy people taking liberties with it. The sauce should be simple (tomatoes, olive oil, garlic, oregano) and the crust should exist in the ether between crispy and chewy. I have enjoyed variations on pizza in the past, but I don't typically enjoy Satchel's. Here's why. The sauce is wrong and the dough is too powdery and mushy. It's not soggy, but it doesn't have enough resistance. Many people claim to love their sauce because it's a little spicy, but I think the opposite. I like spice. I like spicy sauce. Satchel's sauce just tastes like they put way too much black pepper into it. It's been years since I've tried their calzones, but I remember having the same complaint. I did try their deep dish pizza and was more pleased with the crust, but it was the same sauce.

Another bizarre side note is how they won't cut up your whole pie unless you specifically ask them to. This can be a problem, especially when it's your first time getting it to go. I can't imagine a world where people wouldn't want their pizza cut into slices.

Look, the place is cool. It's fun. But I'd rather not eat their pizza.

Downtown Duds: Boca Fiesta

Boca Fiesta : Five thumbs down
232 Southeast 1st Street
(the old Hardback/Pontiac Building)

Menu Highlights : none

Price range : The special, which includes either two tacos, a burrito, or taco salad and your choice of two sides (don't get exited, there are only 3 choices: Corn on the cob, beans and rice [note that most dishes already include beans and rice] or a salad [note that one of the 3 main entree choices is already a salad]) is 8.50 for vegetarian options and 9.50 for meat.

Boca Fiesta is approximately 5 paces as the worm crawls from my office. You'd think this would excite me beyond belief, knowing that a quick, good lunch is practically downstairs. Unfortunately, good and quick aren't descriptors for their food.

The restaurant is owned and run by the former drummer of Against Me! (the exclamation point is part of their band name and not symbolic of any excitement on my part). Don't get me wrong, he's a super nice guy and I have a huge amount of respect for the band's work ethic and success. It's just that "former drummer" in no way qualifies you as "current tex mex entrepreneur."

Besides our ex drummer, the place is run (overrun?) by gainesville townies. You know, the tatooed, dirty looking people who usually smell bad and drink PBR at Common Grounds or the Top or The Atlantic. Don't get me wrong, I love those places and go there regularly, but you know who I'm talking about.

The first time I ever went, the waitress looked like she was sick (her nose was actually running) and we spent a literal hour in the restaurant, 45 minutes of which was waiting for our food. This was compounded by the fact that there was NO ONE ELSE THERE. We were the only table. How long does it take to make a god damn burrito?

I got the veggie burrito, which includes sauteed peppers and onions, beans and rice, salsa, avocado, and vegan queso. Despite what should make for a typical tex-mex taste sensation, it was tasteless and soggy. A friend urged that I give the place another shot, which I did. This time, I tried the tacos. They were tasteless and soggy. Also, they were only 2 and quite small at that. 8.50 for two tacos and some beans and rice sounds like a rip off to me.

Did I leave it at that? Of course not! I went back for a 3rd shot (this is all over a period of ONE YEAR, I'll have you know, thus giving them ample time to get their shit together). This time, I tried the breakfast burrito which included eggs, potato, cheese, and salsa. Hard to mess that one up, right? Wrong! Terrible. It tasted stinky (perhaps eggs cooked at too high of a heat - at least I hope that's why), was soggy and tasteless. Noticing a trend?

UNDAUNTED, I've gone back for a 4th and 5th time and at best found something on the menu that isn't a flat out waste of money. It's the 5 dollar bean burrito. It's still soggy and has minor taste improvement from the other items, but is still a really depressing burrito for 5 bucks.

Let's call it like it is, this place flat out sucks. The food is terrible and overpriced, the staff is borderline unsanitary, and the service is really slow. I ordered the burrito to go from the bar and after waiting for 15 minutes for the damn thing, no one would bother ringing me up. I calculated the bill to the exact cent and left it on the bar, leaving without even the slightest notice of the staff. I literally reconsidered leaving an extra dollar as tip and ended up not doing so.

One other thing boasted about on the menu is the homemade limeade sweetened with agave nectar. It tasted like a kid dissolved sugar in some water and then added a squirt of "lime juice" from those plastic lime shaped bottles you can buy at the grocery store. It was 3 dollars and pathetic.

All in all, Boca Fiesta is a party that I'd rather not be invited to.