Buddha Belly: Enlighten your wallet, don't go here

25 Northwest 16th Avenue

Zero thumbs up

Price Range: a meal ranges from 6-12 bucks, depending on what you get

Today's plan didn't have me eating at Buddha Belly. As it is a Sunday in Gainesville, many comforts of civilized society are unavailable due to places being closed. I literally tried 3 other establishments before ending up here. I was right around the corner, had never eaten here before, and figured, hey why not?

Immediately upon entering, you're smacked in the face with a heavy aura of deep fried-ness. This is the type of place that you'll be smelling like for the rest of the day. The menu combined the expected (fried rice, curries) with the unexpected (hamburgers, french fries). I became wary at this odd juxtaposition, but soldiered on anyway. I ordered the tempeh fried rice ($7.50) while my brother ordered the chicken fried rice ($8.25). It took about 10 minutes to make, which was encouraging since they were obviously cooking it up fresh. Both bowls came out filled with heaping portions of brown rice, vegetables, and chunks of tempeh or white chicken meat. The vegetables looked and tasted like they came from a bag of predestined stir fry mix instead of being fresh, and the rice was dry. The tempeh was soggy and not appealing in any way.

I'll take this opportunity to make a brief voyage into the realm of Gainesville Tempeh. The main players are Jose and Artie. Rumor has it that Jose taught Artie everything he knew, only to have Artie turn on him and go into direct competition. I tend to prefer Jose's for its superior flavor and also based partly on my penchant for revenge. So, invariably, when I enjoy a tempeh dish, it's Jose's. When I'm not impressed, it's usually Artie. As you can guess, Buddha Belly uses Artie's.

Furthermore, tempeh needs to be prepared just right. It's typically better when thin and not in huge chunks. In my opinion, the two tastiest ways of preparation are heavily sauteed or deep fried. Buddha Belly seemed like they just warmed it up.

So, needless to say, the fried rice was bland and tasteless. I sought salvation through sauce. Noticing that they had two homemade looking squeeze bottles, I asked the girl who served us what they were. She replied, "I have no idea." She then asked the other girl behind the counter what they were to which she stated "Oh, they make those fresh." Naturally, I asked, well what are they? Are they hot? Are they sweet? Are they for stir fry? Are they for the burgers? Her answer: "I'm not sure. But they made those yesterday."

I tried the one labeled "MEL" which presumably stood for "Mellifluous Sauce." It was a nice sweet, yet slightly spicy sauce that definitely helped the rice out, but not by much. I ate till I was full and left. Literally 30 minutes later, my stomach started rumbling with hunger pangs.

I wish that one of us tried one of the curry dishes so I could authoritatively rule this place out, but alas, we didn't. The place's motto is "Enlighten Your Belly." I'd suggest "Enlighten your wallet." Don't eat here. It's not that good and it doesn't even fill you up for any amount of time.